Confessions of a Flight Attendant

How to avoid annoying your friendly flight attendant:

5. If your bag is hanging out of the bin don’t act satisfied and walk away.

Kids say the darnedest things

During boarding yesterday I was mid cabin checking out the bags in the overhead bins while this little girl about 6 years old and her mother are passing by.  A little boy about the same age as her says “Hi” to her and she gives this look and then looks at me and goes “Uhh awkwarddddd.” 

What the hell!? What are kids watching on tv these days?! I couldn’t help but laugh.

Just another day at the office..

Apparently there’s something going around this week when it comes to flying lol.  Tuesday a JetBlue pilot goes apeshit and gets tackled… AND US Airways passenger attacks crewmembers… What the hell!? I was flying when all of this was taking place, and I had no idea about them until I reached my overnight.  

Now let’s rewind through my second flight on Tuesday.  I’m at the boarding door saying “Hello” “Hi good morning” “Welcome” to 150 passengers as they board the aircraft.  Subconsciously I’m keeping my eyes out for anything suspicious, or anything that just doesn’t feel right.  I’m standing in the forward galley in the center, basically blocking access to the flight deck.  

A white, male, mid 20 passenger boards the aircraft.  He looks like a shorter more unattractive version of Edward Cullen(Twilight douche).  He stops and looks at me and tries to peer around me into the flight deck so I say “Hello how are you today?” Most passengers just smile and nod, or just say “Hi good and you?” and then they keep boarding, but not this guy.  He holds up the boarding process to stop and have a full on chat.  He says “I’m ok how are you?” I answer assuming he will make his way to his seat, but he doesn’t.  He stands there and says “We gonna have a safe flight?” I look at the lead flight attendant who’s expression is like what the hell?! 

I said “Well I certainly hope so.” Then he starts to freak out and saying that I’m doubting the safety of the flight, but I diffused the situation and told him the Captain said it’s going to be a smooth flight.  He says “Are you sure? No turbulence?!” So I say “According to the Captain, that’s how it sounds.  Sir would you please take your seat so we can continue boarding?”  He finally makes his way down the aisle, that conversation was a tad peculiar so I took note of where the guy was sitting.  He sat down around row 15.  I figured at most he was just a nervous flyer, but I wanted to keep an eye on him.  We finish boarding, taxi, and then take off.  

After we reach our cruising altitude the aft flight attendant and myself are working the cart.  I am facing forward in the cabin serving drinks, and the other flight attendant is looking around me.  We were at about row 8 or 9, and that guy had gotten up and was fidgeting with his seat, and then he sat back down.  At row 11 the flight attendant was looking again, so I turned around to find that guy coming out of the lavatory and instead of making his way back to row 15 he turned around and disappeared behind the galley walls.  

I turned around and went straight to the galley and he was standing by one of the doors looking at the wall.  I said “Sir I’m going to need you to take your seat please, the fasten seatbelt sign is illuminated, and this area is for crewmembers only.  He looks at me with an agitated expression as I wedge myself between him and the doors, forcing him to move into the walk way between lavatories.  He still hasn’t said anything, just has this odd look in his eyes, and I’ve begun to feel really uncomfortable about this passenger.  I start walking up the aisle, which gives him no place to go but up the aisle too, so I stop at row 15.  ”Take your seat sir.”  He sits down, and still hasn’t said a word.  The other flight attendant is watching attentively.  I give her a look like “what the fuck is this guys deal?” 

I serve a few more drinks, and then the flight attendant has a startled look in her face, so I turn around but before I can turn myself around there’s a body behind me.  He’s standing behind me no more than 4 inches from my backside, and this throws me off guard.  

“Sir please take your seat!”

He leans in closer to me and says “DO YOU HAVE ANY TUMS?” 

“No.”

“Oh ok, thanks anyway.” Then sits down. 

……………………………. This guy was just having bowel issues and shit! I couldn’t believe it.  He had me all freaked out over nothing.  When I got to his row he asked for a Ginger Ale, and an extra cup of ice.  The whole time I’m thinking he’s some kind of potential threat, like he’s dangerous.  Turns out he just had an upset stomach.  The other flight attendant and I were laughing so hard when we finished the service.  

When we finished that trip we found out about the pilot and the passenger that had gone nuts, and we couldn’t help but laugh at our silly passenger on that plane.  

I finally flew!

I did a quick two day trip that had a nice 22 hour layover. It was only worth about 7 hours, but it was good to get back out there.

Here’s a re-cap:
On the way there I had another airline pilot jumpseating who was squished between to people in a middle seat. So I found a row that had both the middle and window seats open a few rows back. I went and grabbed the pilot and continued back to the row with the empty seats. I said to the older white man in the aisle seat that I was going to sit someone in the window seat. He looked at me and said, “No. No one can sit here, I don’t want them to.” I laughed it off because there’s no way this guy could be serious. I jokingly said “Well sir did you pay for those two seats?”. He abruptly said no and lifted his old rickety leg and put it across both seats. Seriously??

I still thought he was kidding, so the pilot is standing there with me and I ask the man if he wants the aisle still or if he’d rather have the window seat. He RUDELY replies calling me ignorant and that no one is going to sit there! I couldn’t believe my ears. Then he muttered something about me being a bitch… WHAT!?!

Even the passengers in the area couldn’t believe this guy. He would not move over not would he put his leg down. I’ve never seen someone be so ridiculous. Well once he called me a bitch I marched right up to the cock pit and told the captain he immediately called ground personnel. We ended up having to go back to the gate, delaying our flight. A customer service manager and security boarded the plane. They spoke to him discretely, and I didn’t hear what was said, but they let him stay on board!

Some people piss me off so bad, I often think this may be the wrong field for me lol.

No flying.

The life of a reserve flight attendant continues.  I haven’t flown more than a 2 day trip in almost 3 months.  I feel pretty lazy about it, but what can I do?!  

I picked up crocheting again, and I set up my very first Christmas tree(being on my own).  It’s soooo cute! 

I hope to get back to ya’ll with some excitement some time soon!

Happy Holidays!

Nick Aaronson

May you rest in sweet heavenly peace.  

As a fellow member of the industry, I am deeply saddened by the events in Mexico City.  It rips my heart to shreds, and makes me scared to do my job.  

I’m always a bit cautious when entering a hotel room alone.  I usually leave my bags propping the door open so that I can take a look at the room and make sure I’m alone, and still have a clean exit.

I can’t believe he was only 27 years old.  Barely a year older than me :/

God be with Nick’s family and friends during this difficult time.  

Flight attendants across the nation will be wearing this black ribbon in remembrance of Nick Aaronson. Please spread the word.

Monsters On Board! RAWR!

So today I was working a flight from some domestic city to another domestic city, exciting right? Not.  Anyway…. I had 2 unaccompanied minors traveling, brother and sister, ages 8 and 10.  We’ll call them Joey and Sally!

About half way through the flight the call bell rings, I look up and see that it’s the row my UM’s are seated in.  I make my way back to see if everything is alright…

Me:”Is everything ok kids?”

Sally:”Are there monsters on this plane?”

I thought to myself OH MY GOD, how precious is she?! Poor thing is scared! I lean down and rest my hand on her shoulder to offer comfort…

Me:”Oh no no Sally there aren’t any monsters on board Honey! I promise!  Plus if there are myself and the other flight attendants are all highly trained to protect you against any monsters! Please don’t be scared Sweetie!”

Sally:”Um, I meant Monster energy drinks?”

Joey:”No ma’am please don’t give her any!! She’ll be up all night and way too hyper!”

I can’t even begin to say how stupid I felt lol!!

Taste Buds, mmmm.

Today… there was a man sitting in first class.  He was good looking, I guess, I didn’t really notice him.  The lead flight attendant did an all-call and I was the only one to pick up.  He says “OMG YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE HURRY!”

I’m thinking shit it’s an emergency, so I run up there.  I get to the galley and he grabs my arm and says…

“Look at 1D, I’d lick him so hard my taste buds would fall off.”

………………… What the fucking fuck?? This is why you called me up here? I almost threw up in my mouth.  I looked at the guy and he was wearing crocodile dundee boots or some shit and a baseball hat.. I was like um ew?  

Here I was thinking that I was about to die or get hijacked, but no the lead flight attendant just wanted to tell me how he wanted to leave what was left of his taste buds on this passenger.  I don’t get gay men sometimes.